


reparation

by notharry



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, High School, Homophobic Language, Jealousy, M/M, Oblivious Stan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:31:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notharry/pseuds/notharry
Summary: It doesn't take long to break something.But it takes a lot longer to fix it.





	1. Chapter 1

Stan isn’t even sure what happens.

One minute, Kyle is his best friend, and they do everything characteristic of best friends. They sleep round each other’s houses, they laugh so hard they can’t stop, they tell each other stupid things, they go on midnight walks, look at the stars and discuss their plans for the future. It feels identical to when they were in elementary school, or when they were starting middle school. Nothing has changed.

The next minute, Kyle is not his best friend.

Instead, Kyle seems to be Token’s best friend.

Which makes sense. Token has always been clever.

Stan watches them laugh about something together, until one of the footballers punches him on the arm, saying, “What’re you daydreaming about, Marsh?”

“Nothing,” he replies, turning back to his group. They’re all assholes, and they all seem to share a single brain. But they’re the team. His team.

He catches Kyle’s eye. Kyle looks away.

……….

Strangely, they haven’t really spoken most of the night. Kyle had spent most of his night sat on a couch; Stan had spent it dancing with Wendy. 

It had come as a nasty surprise when Kyle found out they’re back together through the sight of Stan’s hands grabbing Wendy’s ass. No forewarning or anything. He isn’t sure whether he’s annoyed at not being told or he’s relieved. Jealousy is an ugly feeling. 

But so is the sting of being left out.

Now, as they walk home, is the only moment they’ve gotten with each other the whole night. It’s such a stark contrast to when they started high school. They would go to parties together, they would spend the whole night together, walk back together and then spend the whole night together at Stan’s house. Three years later, Stan barely spares Kyle a glance. He’s far too caught up with his new friends and his recurring on/off girlfriend - it is almost as if he and Kyle haven’t been best friends since they were eight fucking years old.

They walk in silence for a few moments, sometimes punctuated by aimless comments from Stan. For the first time ever, it is awkward. It shouldn’t be awkward. They are super best friends who vowed they would be best friends until they’re old and even then, wouldn’t stop. Stan and Kyle were two names which always came hand in hand.

“So,” Kyle says, carefully casual, “you’re back with Wendy.”

“Yeah,” Stan replies mindlessly.

“Good for you guys.”

“Thanks, dude,” Stan says, missing the caustic edge to Kyle’s voice. “It was just some petty shit. We got over it.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, it’s stupid. Like, really stupid.” Stan pauses, then adds, “You know how girls are.”

Although he really fucking doesn’t, Kyle says, “Yeah.”

Sometimes, Stan’s obliviousness is painful. Other times, Kyle is thankful that Stan can’t read him clearly.

“I don’t know, though,” Stan says, frowning. “She didn’t seem …  _ into  _ it tonight.”

“She looked pretty into it.” Kyle remembers her hands snaking up the back of Stan’s shirt and her loopy, drunk smile. “So did you.”

“Not properly. Usually, she’s like,  _ really _ into it.” Kyle scowls, hoping Stan won’t divulge too many details. Wendy makes him feel sick. “But she kept looking at other people. Like she was ... waiting for someone.”

Kyle hates how he gets a spark of satisfaction from that knowledge. Stan is his best friend (well, supposedly). He shouldn’t feel liberated by the collapse of Stan’s relationship.

But, Kyle figured out a long time ago that he doesn’t feel anything normal towards Stan.

When he was ten, all he felt towards Stan was average, best friend excitement.

When he was fourteen, he started thinking about things he shouldn’t.

Now he’s nearing eighteen, Kyle still isn’t over these feelings, and he is sure they are going to suffocate him one day.

“What do you think it was?”

“Why ask me?” Kyle says. “It’s not my relationship.”

“No, but you’re …” 

Kyle waits for Stan to say  _ my best friend _ . 

Warmth pools in his stomach at the fact that they’re still something. Stan hasn’t entirely forgotten him. 

“You’re clever,” Stan finishes.

Oh.

All warmth suddenly turns into sticky annoyance.

“You’re right. I am clever.”  _ So I shouldn’t still be here with you _ . “Just because I can write an essay, doesn’t mean that I’ll be any help with your fucking social problems, Stan.”

Stan blinks. “Oh. Right. Sorry - I just thought -”

“It doesn’t matter. Drop it.”

All the way home, they walk in silence. 

…….

“Kyle.” It is Stan’s voice.

Kyle ignores the leap of his heart. He turns and says, “Yeah?” as offhandedly as he can manage. Just to show that Stan’s dismissal of their friendship doesn’t hurt - because it  _ doesn’t _ . Not at all. It just feels like a knife jabbed into his stomach and then being yanked out with zero warning.

Stan catches up with him, courtesy of his long legs. Kyle always thought he would be the taller one. Now, Stan has at least three inches on him.

“How’re things?” Stan tries. It’s a weak attempt at small talk. It is almost funny. They used to talk about all sorts of things, going into ridiculous amounts of detail, and now they can’t even manage a few words without things turning sour.

“You didn’t come over here to ask me  _ how are things _ ,” Kyle tells him. Maybe he’s being an asshole, but Stan has been as asshole since sophomore year. Fair is fair. “What do you want?”

Stan blinks a few times, then runs a hand over his eyebrow. “Right. Uh. I came to apologize.”

“For?”

“About the other night.”

Kyle pulls a face, acting as if he’s trying to remember. In reality, it’s been playing on his mind for days, on loop like a fucking broken record that he can’t stop. “Which night? The party?”

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have asked you for help with Wendy just because you’re … you know. Clever.”

“Oh.” The fact that Stan remembered enough to apologise feels nice. But Kyle is Kyle, and he’s never been amazing at forgiving people. Coldly, he says, “Right.”

Stan look at him for a few more awkward moments. Kyle hates how nice his face is. Sharp jaw, blue eyes, clear skin. What an asshole.

“So … we’re good, yeah?”

If Kyle decides to say no, it’s not like it would affect Stan at all. Stan’s interest in Kyle has almost faded entirely by now. They are nothing but old friends. 

But still, Kyle can’t let that flicker of hope go.

“Yeah. We’re good.”

“Nice,” Stan says, smiling. He smiles with teeth and everything. It’s an attractive smile, but it is not real. No doubt he learned it from his new friends. “I’ll see you around.”

_ No, you won’t _ , Kyle thinks. Stan hangs out with the football team at lunch now. He used to come and sit with Kyle on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but that became increasingly irregular until Stan stopped coming to sit with Kyle at all. 

But still. Never say never.

“Sure.”

Stan walks with him all the way to his next class. Kyle can’t tame the hope prickling through his chest. 

…………..

“What if I made a mistake?” Stan asks her, and Wendy looks at him indignantly. 

“What?”

“Not with you,” he adds hurriedly. “I mean, like … in general.”

“Oh.” Wendy locates her shirt and pulls it on. “Why ask me?”

“I don’t know,” he says sarcastically, “maybe because we’re together?”

“Are we, though?”

Stan blinks at that.

“I mean,” she continues, pulling on her skirt. Stan never liked that skirt. “This doesn’t really classify as a relationship anymore.”

“Why the fuck doesn’t it?”

“We fuck on weekends and then ignore each other the whole week.” Wendy sighs, as if this is all his fault. “My friends ask me whether you even like me anymore. It’s humiliating.”

Stan doesn’t want to have to talk about his own feelings, so he flips it around and asks, “Do you like me anymore?” with just a hint of annoyance in his tone.

Wendy looks at him for a moment. There is almost pity in her gaze. Eventually, she sighs for a second time and says, “No.”

Strangely, Stan finds he doesn’t terribly mind.

“Oh. Good.”

“Good?”

“Good,” Stan confirms. “I don’t really like you either.”

Wendy raises her eyebrows. “That’s childish.”

“You said it first.”

“What do you expect? We’ve been ‘on and off’ -” she gestures quote marks in the air, “for about ten years. We were eight when we kissed. Remember that?”

“Not really. I was eight.”

“Fine, Stan.” Wendy stands up and puts on her shoes. “Do what you like. You don’t have to bother with me anymore.”

She leaves. It is only once she’s gone that he realises she has just broken up with him.

………..

“What’s going on with you two?”

“I wish you’d stop asking me that question,” Kyle snaps.

Kenny seems unfazed. “You guys are the dynamic duo. Come on.”

“We aren’t anything,” Kyle says. “He has the football team now.”

“And who do you have?”

“Token.” Kyle thinks some more. “Craig.”

“Tucker?” Kenny’s voice is a bad impression of neutral. Kyle isn’t sure exactly what happened with Craig and Kenny, but it’s clearly not nothing. “I didn’t know you guys were friends.”

“We hang out sometimes.” Which is a lie. He’s spoken to Craig roughly four times, and all of those conversations were aided generously by the others. “Why does it matter, anyway?”

“Because you and Stan are  _ meant to be _ ,” Kenny says.

“We aren’t - aren’t  _ together _ ,” he splutters. “All that ended was a friendship.”

“Fine. Be platonic. But you’ll regret it.”

Kyle sighs. “Fuck off.”

Kenny leaves, shooting him a smile before he does.

_ Meant to be  _ echoes around his head for the rest of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they’re better off without each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me pretending that cartman doesn't even exist lol. idk i just rlly never liked cartman. please dont come for me @ cartman stans
> 
> warning!!!! homophobic behaviour and language!!!!!

Despite his best efforts, Kyle still hates him.

The friendship has been ripped apart and damaged too much to ever be considered fixable. Stan left Kyle, feelings got hurt, and Kyle is notoriously bad as forgiving people, so here they are. Two strangers who used to be best friends.

Stan thinks that Kyle won’t _ever_ stop hating him. Not even when they’re old. If somebody happens to mention Stan’s name, eighty year old Kyle will still hold the same resentment that eighteen-year-old Kyle does.

They can barely manage a smile when passing one another in the hall. Sometimes, Stan will says, “Hey, dude,” and Kyle will reply with something similar, but there is no way that they’re ever going to reach that same level of friendship they once had. It’s gone. For good. Forever.

There wasn’t even a reason. It just happened - bang, no warning. 

At some point, Kyle gets with Token. Stan isn’t sure how he feels about it. Mostly confused, because  _ Kyle’s straight, right? _ He’s surprised and bewildered, but there’s a lingering sense of happiness in his bones. Kyle, after being totally abandoned by Stan, deserves some kind of companionship.

Rumours circulate like a disease. It is high school, after all. People talk shit even if they don’t mean to - Stan gets told “Hey, Kyle’s gay now” about three times, and people ask him, “Did you know before?”

“No,” is his steady reply. “I had no idea.”

Because he didn’t. He always thought whenever he gossiped about girls to Kyle that it was just understood. Whenever he vented his shit to Kyle, Stan had no idea that Kyle must have been as completely uninterested as humanly possible.

Kyle seems content in his relationship. He holds hands with Token in the hallway. He kisses Token goodbye. He leans his head on Token’s shoulder when they’re studying together or eating together. Even when people give him a look of silent disgust, Kyle never backs down. In a way, Stan admires that. It’s not easy to be yourself in high school. The kids who are unapologetically themselves are - well, phrased nicely,  _ losers _ .

Kyle may be totally fine ignoring the insults, but Stan  _ hates _ hearing them. They aren’t even directed at him, yet they grate on his nerves as if they are.

If Kyle gets called  _ one more thing, one more slur, _ he’s going to punch something. Or somebody.

But then he’ll get suspended. And he doesn’t want that.

So when one of his friends go, “Huh. Had no idea Broflovski was a fag,” Stan clenches his jaw and his fists.

“Really?” another one of them say. Stan has never hated his friends more than he does now. “I thought it was obvious.”

They discuss Kyle’s sexuality as if it is fiction. Nothing more than a show they all watch.

“Looks like you were a good influence, Marsh.”

“Not really.” Stan looks bitterly at his thumbs, hoping that his friends will take his lack of a response as cue to stop talking about this. They don’t.

“The second Broflovski stops hanging out with you,” says another person, one of the football team who Stan isn’t really familiar with, “he goes gay. Goes to show that you’re a good influence.”

“Why’s that a  _ good _ influence?”

James laughs. He has an ugly laugh. “Don’t make me answer that.”

“Well,  _ why _ ? It’s not - not  _ wrong _ or anything. You know, to be … gay.”

“You don’t think that two dudes fucking each other is wrong?”

Stan sets his jaw in a show of uncharacteristic defiance. “No. I don’t.”

There’s a tense silence, one so thick that he can almost see the tension as it ripples through the air.  Maybe he will be kicked out of this crowd now. Maybe Stan has outlived his ignorant footballer days, maybe he can move on - 

Stan isn’t sure what he expects, but it definitely isn’t for James to go: “Careful, Marsh. They might think you’re a fag, too.”

* * *

Kyle is very aware of Stan’s eyes on him from the back of the classroom. Kyle squirms and tries to busy himself with taking notes, but as it turns out, Stan’s interest is much more interesting than any Biology in the world. He turns around to look at the clock, wondering how many more minutes he’s going to have to sit like this, here with Stan’s eyes burning holes into the back of his head. 

He looks to the clock. Without realising, his eyes slip to Stan.

Stan hastily looks away.

Oh,  _ nice _ one, Stan. Very fucking subtle.

When Kyle turns back around, he realises that he hadn’t even checked the time. If he had, it had promptly been swept away by the weight of Stan’s gaze.

He also feels Stan’s eyes on him once again.

Kyle grits his teeth and prays that the lesson will end soon.

When the bell rings, Stan leaves before Kyle, hurrying away. Kyle shoves his books in his bag, chasing after Stan, who seems adamant to be the first out of the classroom. 

In his haste, Kyle shoves Craig out of the way, who shoots him an indignant glance, but Kyle doesn’t care. Craig’s wounded feelings are at the bottom of his list of worries.

“Marsh!” he shouts, which feels foreign in his mouth. He’d never called Stan “Marsh” until recently. So, he tries again, shouting, “Stan!”

This gets Stan’s attention. He turns, but his attention is reluctant.

When he catches up, Stan is looking anywhere but him.

“Sup,” he says lamely.

“Sup,” Kyle repeats, almost venomously, although he sounds far too shocked to pull off being angry  right now. “You just - just  _ Sup  _ me? After staring at me for that  _ entire lesson _ ?”

Stan looks at him, feigning confusion. He’s never been much of an actor. “I wasn’t.”

“Right.”

“I’m not lying.” Stan is mumbling, his voice so ridiculously quiet that Kyle has to strain his ears to hear it. “I didn’t mean to.”

“But you still did.”

Stan shrugs.

Something in Kyle snaps, a thread he hadn’t known was so close to breaking. “ _ Jesus,  _ Stan. What the fuck is your issue?”

This is the closest they’ve ever had to a fight. When their friendship crumbled, there hadn’t been any barbed insults or shouting. It had been slow and awkward and not at all satisfying. Kyle had had to swallow all of his thoughts because he didn’t want to make anything worse than it already was. However, he hadn’t expected the friendship to just  _ fall apart _ , just like that. If he knew it would, maybe he would have snapped earlier. Maybe they needed to shout, let everything out.

Maybe they would still be friends if they had.

“My issue?”

“Yeah, your fucking issue,” Kyle replies.

“I don’t have an issue. There’s nothing wrong.”

“You’re such a liar.” Kyle glares at Stan, who looks half-offended, half-wounded. “It’s been awkward for a while. It has been ever since you left. But - recently - after I got with Token, you’ve just been weird. You’re always  _ looking at me _ . Like I have an answer for all of this. Or - an  _ apology _ or something.”

“An apology? Why?”

“I don’t know. For not telling you that I liked … liked guys, I guess.”  _ Liked you _ , he thinks, but keeps that thought private. “I’m sorry that I’m gay and didn’t tell you, okay? Is that what you want?”

Stan blinks, startled. “No.  _ No.  _ Definitely not.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t want anything from you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Why are you angry at me?” Stan asks, still that infuriating mix of confused and sad. Kyle wishes he would get angry. Like,  _ really _ angry. Then they can sort this shit out instead of playing this exhausting game of denial. “I’ve not done anything.”

In a way, Stan is right. He hasn’t really done anything.

But Stan is also  _ very very  _ wrong. He did something - he did everything. This, all of this, is his fault.

“Yeah, you did. You left. You ended this,” Kyle says, gesturing between the two of them, “because I wasn’t  _ cool _ enough for you.”

“That - that wasn’t why.”

“Tell me why, then.”

“It was just  _ easier _ . Hanging out with the team was convenient. I never meant to stop hanging out with you, I just - it was accidental.”

“Accidental,” Kyle scoffs.

“It was. I’m - I’m sorry.”

Kyle wants, very desperately, to forgive him. He wants to let Stan know that he’s fine, that this is fine, that they can be fine if they really put their minds to it. He wants to smile at Stan and hope he gets that familiar grin back.

It is easier said than done.

Kyle isn’t very good at letting go of anger. It bites at him until it scars, and then it’s forever embedded in his skin.

Instead, Kyle says, “Token’s waiting for me,” and walks away.

Stan watches him as he walks away, too.

“Kyle,” he tries, a half-hearted shout, not too loud just in case one of the football team overhear him calling after  _ Kyle Broflovski  _ of all people. “Kyle, wait.”

“Go away, Stan.”

He doesn’t just mean now.

By Stan’s defeated expression, Kyle thinks he understands that.

* * *

 

It’s been three months.

Whenever Stan thinks of Kyle, he gets a horrible ache in his chest.

Whenever Kyle thinks of Stan, he gets a flurry of poisonous anger.

Maybe they’re better off without each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks if you read this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

**Author's Note:**

> thanks 4 giving this a chance if you made it to the end
> 
> there should be 2 more chapters but I wouldn't trust me


End file.
